A Trip to The Park

******TRIGGER WARNING******

I visit the park near my house almost every day. It’s a calm place where I can just sit and read for however long I want with nobody to bother me or interrupt my reading. Sometimes, though, I have to go for a walk but I do not go there to read. I have been to the park before to be sick; having been too ashamed to be sick in my house where people could hear. If I’m going to be sick, there is a certain path that I take. If I’m going to get rid of the anger, I choose another path and my path to reading is a prettier one. My walks around the park reflect the chaos in my mind and the emotions that I am feeling.

My recent trip to the park was not a reading one. Sometimes I get so stressed and scared of what I might do, that I have to brave the outside world. I brave the traffic and the roads to reach the safety and privacy of my park; my special place. I go there to be sick this time. I have not walked this path in over a week. It appears to be noisier than usual. There are more birds in the trees; the leaves rustle violently and I am scared of the noises around me. I fear I will be attacked though I am unsure of what could attack me. There is nobody around. Only the dog walkers go this way and they do not go this late; I make sure I will be alone if I am to so shamefully make myself be sick.

“Do it. Now.” The voice of The Monster is clear, concise and commanding. I am standing in my usual spot but the trees are darker than I’m used to and the noises are frightening me. I am resisting the urge to run or to throw myself into the trickling water that looks so inviting.

My words are blunt. They are defiant. “No!” I shout.

“You must!” He screams at me.

“Why?”

“Because I said so.”

I have heard this before from somebody else. It is not a justification of why an act should happen. I want to know more about why I should do what he tells me to. I am my own person, after all, am I not?

“Why do you get to decide?” I question him and he replies with venom.

“I am bigger than you. I am older than you. I am powerful. You are weak and you will do what I say.”

“No. I don’t want to. I don’t want to be sick.”

“Then you will pay.”

The pulsing in my head returns as I walk away from that place and that path. My way out, which was once easy and pretty, is now overgrown, like my mind. The nettles sting as I walk through them but I don’t care. Their sting is nothing. I drag my feet. I delay the journey home as much as I can while he rages at me. He bellows constantly that I must cut myself when I get home.

“If you cannot throw it up, then you will bleed it out”, he roars at me. I tell him to leave me alone but The Monster has a predictably quick reply.

“If I left you alone too, like all of those other people who hate you, then where would you be? You would not have survived your childhood without me. I am your strength. You are nothing without me. Without me, your emotions will eat you alive. I am saving you from yourself. From death.”

A single tear rolls down my cheek. As I come to cross the road, I pause. I am close to the edge. I could stop here and save myself from him. He must die or I must die.

I carry on walking. I made a promise to someone that I wouldn’t jump in front of a moving vehicle; not while I have conscious thought.

The Monster laughs at me. “See, you are weak. There is no courage within you. I will keep you alive but your choices remain the same. You throw it up or you bleed it out. Do not disappoint me.”

I have surely disappointed him tonight. His pulsing continues but still I fight against him. I will not give in tonight. I have heard people say that it takes greater courage to stay alive and fight than to kill yourself. I don’t know whether that’s true. I’ve felt the despair of being so low that death seemed easier and preferable. My days are clouded by suicidal thoughts but there is still hope. I don’t know how I still have hope or where it comes from but while there is hope, I cannot, I will not let The Monster win. Tonight, he has no power and I will sleep. In this moment, I am brave and I do not believe him. I am worthy and I will live. Everybody deserves a chance.