An Incoming Storm.

******TRIGGER WARNING******

There's an incoming storm today though the sky is full of bright, yellow light and it would seem as if all hope were housed in the sunshine. I did some Feng Shui stuff to my room this weekend and made it into a much more productive space for working and relaxing. The sun now shines upon my face. An hour ago this would have made for a very different picture than it does now. I was happy an hour ago that I had completed so much in a few hours of being awake and I was beating depression's ass quite well. Having been downstairs and mentioned one tiny thing about a police woman and a video statement to my house mate; she launched into a story about the film she had seen the night before on the television - long story short - there's incest. I got the full and detailed description from my house mate. Why? I didn't ask for that. 

When faced with somebody who opens up a little bit about their own life; people just shouldn't assume that it means they want to hear about other people who suffered the same or worse. That doesn't help. I feel guilty and sick about my own life. I lived through my own nightmare growing up and I still live through it now due to my PTSD. I feel guilty that my pain takes up NHS funding to deal with it when somebody else could have that help. I don't need to hear about other people being abused. It's abhorrent that it happens to anybody at all. The worst nightmare children should have to deal with is a monster under the bed; nothing more.

Telling me a story about abuse when I'm questioning my entire childhood doesn't help. I feel sick. I feel worthless. The only thing that I can succeed at right now is to cut my wrist. I don't want to but this pain in my chest is overwhelming and the only way that I know to get rid of it is to cut. Old scars become new scars. Emotional pain becomes physical pain. Physical pain is easy to deal with. 

"I use pain to deal with pain." ~4